Dear Mr. Henderson,

I am afraid that you didn't send me your inane demands out of genuine ignorance or stupidity, but because you are a trolling asshole who thinks that sending such letters is funny. Therefore, if you would like me to take the time to explain to you (at length and in detail if you will) why you are completely wrong, and why what you are doing is in fact illegal, I ask of you to prove your sincerity by filing a lawsuit against me. Of course you have no clue about the consequences this would have, but let me tell you this: it would be great fun for one of us.

All the best,
Norman Sturrock